5 Terrible Commercials

You know commercials you couldn't give less of a shit about? How about ones that you see over and over and over and over and over and over and over until you can recite them word-by-word? Play 'em over in your head? Perhaps you'll only see them once in your life if you're lucky. Maybe a hundred times. Yeah, they're repetitive. They're pointless. And for reason of this post, they're terrible. You ready? Let's do this thing.

5. Lunesta


First up is this stupid attempt to get you drugged. You'll be doing more than sleeping if you're going to be visited by this radioactive butterfly. Can't sleep? Eat yourself a hardy meal before you rest and stop leaving the T.V. on fucking nick at nite. Besides, the last thing I want is some glowing insect giving me skin cancer overnight.

4. Sleep Center of the Southwest


Second on the list is yet another one based on sleep, but this one gains it's terrible merits not from a pointless, serene glowing mascot, but from...well...you'll know when you watch it. You most likely haven't seen this, as it's a local commercial, but you might be able to relate with other poor quality local attempts at advertising where you live. This is somewhat high on the list because it's so bad, it's actually good in some ways. You'll at least laugh before you change the channel.

3. The Mac Ads


Third one down is one you have to know about. In Apple's apeshit quest to become one of the most owned brand names in every household on the planet, second to duct-tape and bread, they've released a hefty series of ads in which they reveal to us another dimension. A dimension in which black is white, pigs fly, and the Mac is the smarter buy over a PC. You know why there arn't any viruses designed to exploit the Mac OS? Because no one gives enough of a shit. Next.

2. Above the Influence


Not much to say here. Apparently music composed by a down syndrome special needs faggot, mixed with his art, is somehow related to the overall nature of cannabis. Watch how the user demonstrates generosity, and in return loses his interracial slut of a girl to a little bug eyed shithead who apparently, shows "good judgement." Fantastic message.

1. HeadOn


If I needed to say anything here regarding this one, it would not live up to it's notorious badness.



There you have it people. Five terrible commercials, listed in order from shit to shittier. There's worse out there, but don't worry, no need to search, it'll find you.

Sniper shot disarms suicidal man

Yeah, it's old, but still one of my favorite sniper videos. A sniper from the police unit takes a shot at a distraught man who's holding a gun to his chin in the street, only he's not aiming for the man himself..he's aiming for the man's gun.

"He looked up at me and he said, ' That was a great shot. ' "

5 Great Old Commercials

Before we get to the commercials, a word on the matter.

We've all seen the decline of commercials since the 90s, but how many of us truly consciously recognize it? Sure, a lot of newer commercials are pretty interesting, with our highly advanced manipulation of imagery and video these days; One recent commercial from Gatorade includes a famous basketball player walking down the street, and the street "flips over" and turns into a basketball court as he does so. The point I'm trying to make is that while a lot of commercials haven't necessarily declined in base quality, they've definitely changed and not really for the better(Head-on! Apply bullet directly to your forehead) . I haven't seen a new children's toy commercial in a while for obvious reasons, but for the purpose of this article let's just take a glance at those, as most of the time the older ones tend to be quite awesome, and truly got you pumped when they came on TV, instead of becoming annoying segments in-between your favorite shows.



#5: Perfection! (POP!)


You know it like I know it; when this mother-effer came on TV, you didn't care WHAT the freakin' game was about. You wanted to see this guy's chest bursting with large plastic pieces, and by god, that's what they gave you. It has all the vital elements of an oldschool toy commercial which made it a perfect candidate for number 5. Excited children, a catchy little jingle, over-the-top action shit that makes you want the toy no matter WHAT it does, and two normal lookin kids having a ball with it...sheesh, man, they really knew how to sell a product back then.




#4: Hungry Hungry Hippos


Once again, this thing has all the basic attributes of an awesome old commercial. Kids enjoying that shit like hell, a cool jingle, and best of all, some colorful hippos that don't give a SHIT if you just paid 5k to put that fence back up; these bastards are hungry, and you're going to feed them.




#3: Operation!


I have to admit, I never ended up owning this game as a kid, but only because my neighbor already had that shit. To the point, though; this commercial is insane. Yeah, four kids got this deformed clown(who looks like he's probably a coke fiend, for the record) tied down to a table, and yeah, they're playing doctor. Yeah, they DID just pull that adults ribs out while laughing and singing about it. And you wonder why I love these old things?




#2: Tyco RICOCHET


All the TycoRC commercials were this badass. Aside from feeling like I'm in the club with that badass background music, this commercial basically spits it right in your face; buy one of these amazing ass remote controlled cars then race your friends and crash into each other and shit. It always blew my mind how in the commercials they got the cars to work in outside terrain because anytime I tried, it failed terribly. DRIVE IT LIKE YA HATE IT!




#1: CROSSFIRE!


THIS is the absolute epitome of oldschool epic advertising. After watching this shit, EVERY kid wanted to be a leather-jacket-sporting badass in a dystopian future where the skies are always covered in lightning, and all the conflicts are settled in a flaming CROSSFIRE arena. And that song is pure awesome concentrate mixed with win. "You'll get caught up in the, CROSSFIYAAAAAAAAAH"! It's easy to see why this one takes spot #1.


Anyway I hope you've all enjoyed this little rant, and if not, atleast you got to watch some good old toy commercials, right?!

The Hum

The Hum is a phenomena in which a low-frequency humming sound is detected around the planet, the two most distinctive and unnerving recorded cases being from deep within the ocean. These two happenings have been named the Bloop and the Slow Down. (you can listen at the wiki for now, since Johnny is too stupid to set up the embedded player.)

What could possibly make these sounds? No known animals could possibly make either of the before mentioned frequencies, and it's suspected that if something could make these kinds of sounds, it would need to be larger than even a blue whale. So what could be lurking down there? Is it merely the earth shifting and groaning as we'd like to suspect, perhaps it's entirely man-made?

With only a few percent of the depths of the waters surrounding us explored, how can we be sure? Are we barely scratching the surface of the creatures that reside on this planet? Am I speaking in the form of too many damn questions? Maybe. Or maybe the next time you go for a dip at the beach, you'll be sharing waters with something far beyond your imagination... And far below your kicking feet.

Penumbra: Overture - First Impressions

Alright, here we go. Time for another " First Impressions " post. This time about the game Penumbra: Overture, a first-person action/adventure title from Swedish developer 'Frictional Games'. Visit the game's website here.

The basic idea of the game is that you receive a letter from your father, who left before you were even born, shortly after the death of your mother. After all the pleas for forgiveness comes a set of directions to a bank, and the information required to access a safety deposit box there. When you arrive, you find that your father has been legally dead for over 30 years, and that you're the executor of the deposit box. Inside you find many documents and papers, which you were instructed to burn and forget about completely; however, curiosity gets the best of you, and you decide to nose through them. After finding a book filled with indecipherable text, you notice in it a map of an uninhabited area in Northern Greenland, and decide to head there as soon as possible. After on year has passed, you finally leave on a plane to the mainland, and presumably you then board a boat, as that's where you gain control of your character.




After stumbling around in the snow, you eventually come across a hatch in the ground which is frozen shut. Backtracking a small ways, there are small stones you can pick up; the interesting thing about this game, anything you can picked up and lift around freely (assuming it isn't too heavy), you can swing/throw, or place gently down. After shattering the ice on the hatch with one of the stones, you begin your descent; by which I mean you fall and get knocked out, coming to your senses a little later.



In this game, you don't play as an American, so obviously you have a real reason to be hesitant about progressing through a dark, deserted cave facility. In all seriousness though, the game does a good job of making you think twice before just running around like an idiot making all kinds of noise; crouching and trying to be stealthy seems to be useful, as when you crouch your eyes "adjust" to the darkness, and you can see better(pictured above). After a bit of exploring, I quickly came across a nest of spiders(which killed the dog, also pictured above). Apparently they're some badass spiders.




After reading the diary of a scientist who spent 300 days in this basement eating said spiders, you learn that they started out as normal insects, but grew in time. The scientist ran out of food at one point and began feasting on the spiders reluctantly; by the end of the diary you'd almost assume the spiders have some addictive quality. The diary then tells of a self-performed surgery, where the scientist apparently cut out his own tongue after it became coated with a blue, glue-like substance(that's his tongue I pick up and stuck in the drawer). As you leave the spider-basement and back into the main cave shaft for more exploration, the floor above shakes, and you hear what sounds like violent, bloody murder; upstairs is a trail of blood leading into a hole in the wall that no human could have made.


My main first impressions of this game are that it's very well presented to be an " indie " title. The voice-acting isn't exactly Hollywood-blockbuster quality, but it's got a charming touch to it that you really only find in games from smaller developers. Though I haven't had any combat in the game yet, I'm sure there will be. I found a hammer, and it seems to be sufficient enough when you thrust/swing it that it could work as a weapon. The physics in the game are great, the graphics aren't top-notch but they're appropriate. That's about all I can really say now. Keep up with the blog, though; later on when I finish the game I'll rate it and do a complete review.

Hitman: Blood Money. One killer game.

Seriously though, all cheesy wordplay aside, let's get down to the review of Blood Money. Just this morning I completed the last mission of the game, and as Rob promised, it was awesome to the fullest extent of the word. I'll try to keep this review as spoiler free as possible while still going indepth on some of the things that really makes this title shine. Once again it's time to take on the role of Mr. 47.



Graphics: Though for some reason my copy of Hitman:BM(TOTALLY NOT PIRATED I SWEAR) wouldn't allow me to enable antialiasing at a setting higher than 4x, even when forcing it from Nvidia panel, the graphics in this game are pleasant and easy on the eye, not to mention very well thought out. The levels are very diverse, and each one has it's respective graphical style; nothing is out of place, and everything feels like it belongs. The character models aren't exactly OMGWTFGFX, but the gun models really look great, in my opinion; there's a nice level of detail, but they still don't "stand out" from the rest of the game. All in all, the game looks very nice, and you'll probably be too busy embracing the awesomeness that is the gameplay to even notice that some textures aren't 21093812312309x21903821093812 in resolution.



Audio/Music: Well, besides "Ave Maria" and the credits song, there's not much here to rate. The voice-acting is good, and you get to hear Diana's voice some more, so stop complaining, damn. Oh, there's some ambient music that kind of kicks in when the shit hits the fan in a mission. It's okay, I guess, nothing too noteworthy. The gun sounds are pretty well done...yeah, let's move on to the next category.



Story: What are you, some kind of nerd? Go read a book. In all seriousness, Blood Money's story is so-so until the very end, which is where it becomes one of the greatest experiences I've had in gaming lately. A wheelchair-bound badass recounts tales of 47's jobs leading up to their eventual 'capture' of the agent, these tales being stories of the jobs you'll be doing throughout the game. From a vineyard in South America, to a suburban neighborhood in the USA, from Mardi Gras to Mississippi, Blood Money's story takes you to plenty of interesting locations, with each one being completely different from the next; No two jobs will feel the same. While some may say BM's story pales in comparison to earlier Hitman titles, I felt it was completely on par. Very solid.

~~~

Gameplay: This is the sweet spot; there are so many choices to make, so many different ways to accomplish one goal, so much variety that it ensures you won't play each mission only once. Do you want to plant a mine and wait for the target to stand under the chandelier? Or maybe you want to poison their drink and have it sent to them. Then you could rig the propane grill to explode, or just cover the top in lighter fluid. If that's not your style, though, you can always just shoot the bottom of the target's glass jacuzzi out from 50 feet below, then laugh as they plummet to their inevitable doom. Though you could also just replace their prop gun with a real loaded one, and make another man a murderer. And as always, if none of this gets the job done, nothing at all is stopping you from going in guns blazing with your trusty Silverballers.

Really, though, the point I'm trying to make with all these choices? Replayability! There are so many different ways to complete one mission that you really can't only try one, unless you're some kind of skank; and we don't like skanks reading this here blog. As you progress throughout the game, various upgrades become available for your main arsenal of weapons, including silencers, new firing mechanisms, scopes, grips, larger clips, and better bullets. The player can also buy the equivalent of HP Potions in the form of a bottle of pills, several bulletproof vests that increase in effectiveness, better lockpicking equipment, extra mines for more explodey funtime...

~~~

Overall: I won't hesitate to say Blood Money is the best Hitman game I've played, honestly. I'll have to play Contracts and get back to you on that for a final decision, but for now BM takes the cake easy. If you hesitated to buy this game at all, stop. It's well worth what you'll pay, and trust me, you won't regret it at all. Plus you get to kill clowns, and who hasn't wanted to kill a clown?




Hitman: Blood Money gets a total score of 5/5 Konatas.




~~~

More Screenshots:

(note: that little square is a glitch with my capture software, not the game itself)

Survival Log - Entry 2

Day 3:

8:30 A.M. - Once again woke up to the sound of my watch alarm. Sat for a little bit and looked at the sunrise before getting ready to head back over to the large island. Today, I'll try to craft myself a bow and a fishing rod if I can, and hopefully do a bit of hunting. Update once I return from the island.


3:27 P.M. - Returned from large island. Began working on a camp over there in a location I've deemed safe...during my time there today no lions were in sight. Nearby the new camp is a spring which should prove to be a longlasting---if not everlasting--- water source. I'm going to leave the old camp up, in case any problems arise on the main island, however..No reason to tear anything down just yet.


9:42 P.M. - Finished building a small shelter, and a campfire to cook. Traveled the shore near the new camp, and discovered a plentiful population of turtles. I'm liking my new home a little more already. Unfortunately, no hunting was accomplished today, but tomorrow, I'll feast on lion..

~~~

Day 4:

8:27 A.M. - I beat the alarm this morning..my biological clock is replacing the need for this mechanical one. No grizzly lion attacks in my sleep, apparently.. the new camp seems to be just fine. After a breakfast of turtle, I think I'll go gather some branches, make a few more arrows, then go find a few big kitties.

1:51 P.M. - I return to write this entry a new man; a new man with a very full stomach. I successfully killed three lions, and one parrot who happened to get in the middle of the action. I'm going to spend the rest of the day working on some kind of container to go behind the new shelter..maybe I can find a way to insulate it so that I can keep food inside of it for storage.

10:02 P.M. - The fire is almost gone, so I wanted to write one last time for the night. The storage container has been built, though I think the insulation will need a little more work. After I finished that I just began fishing..no catches, but I wasn't worried if anything was biting. The view here is amazing enough to hold my attention..civilization really doesn't know what they're missing sometimes. Then again, it's easy to appreciate what you have when you can't even remember what it is you had...

This thing is coming to kill you and everything you hold dear

A distasteful choice by EA? I do say!

In yet another devilish plot to rake in cash, Electronic Arts are now allowing weapons to be bought in their upcoming title Battlefield: Bad Company. Yes, indeed, as I read from a recent post on another blog, the Xbox 360 version of the title will allow users to not only extend their epenis beyond gamerscores and achievements, but also grab themselves some bonus firepower in exchange with real money.

It's not confirmed whether or not the weapons will actually have an advantage over the default sets found within the game, but with the mindset of most XBL gamers, simply just owning one of these armaments will be enough to justify the price. And besides, even if these weapons have unfair attributes, who gives a fuck about the one remaining constant in FPS's nowdays huh? Forget practice, give me something with the punch of a truck and the recoil of a super soaker.




The proud spender of twenty-five bucks worth of Microsoft Points.

One man, a guitar, and a leaf.

I hope plenty more people dropped some change in that guy's cup. That's really interesting, and quite original. :3

Elephant Painting self portrait

Pretty awesome, he must think he's a lot taller than he actually is.

Grand Theft Auto IV's fourth and final trailer released

Please note the seething awesomeness.

3 license games done right

1. Transformers (PS2)

Who doesn't like Transformers? Well, you might not like them so much when they're used as a vehicle, no pun intended, for product placement and gimmicky, unnecessary revival of a series that has been going strong for two decades. I'm looking at you Michael Bay. While the movie wasn't that bad, the game based on it is extremely mediocre, and a nasty distraction from the one good whack at a transformers game this generation.

An extremely solid title with expansive environments, strong variety in weapons and items, polished graphics considering the console it's on, and very fun run-and-gun style gameplay. My only gripes playing this were the limiting 3 transformers you're able to play as, and the sharp difficulty curve. Other than those, this is a strong recommendation to anyone who's any sort of a fan, and even action gamers who might not be. Besides, it's around 20 dollars now anyways. Fo' (Out of five) Konatas.

2. The Hulk: Ultimate Destruction (PS2/Xbox/PC)

Next in line is everyone's favorite green meanie, the hulk. This guy's fuckin' pissed and it's no wonder being as how tight those jeans must be on his junk. This title is extremely fun to play. It's a fantastic example of a licensed game because of the fact that it'd be an awesome game even if it wasn't about the hulk and his pissed off doings. The storyline is decent enough to hold your interest, and the gameplay is everything you should expect out of being able to play this guy.

Cars crumple like paper under your strength, the streets line with cracks and show nice variations of damage as you rampage throughout. It's very open ended, mission based, and the learning curve is extremely easy. Just simply beat the shit out of everything that does, or does not move. Here's to looking forward to Radical Entertainment's next gen game, Prototype, which will feature the same engine and concept. Four and a HALF Konatas for this kickass use of a license.

3. The Punisher (PS2/Xbox/PC)

Frank Castle's one bad motherfucker, and if you don't believe me, you haven't seen him stab a guy straight in the face with a combat knife and then turn around to stick his buddy's ear to a drill.
This game capture's this anti-hero's gruesome nature of justice perfectly. The executions and interrogations are brutal, and they did not skimp on the gore. You'll never be more than a minute away from seeing bucketfuls of blood, and being able to blow off limbs as your enemies scream in agony is a testament to the lack of morality in this true-to-comic incarnation.

While the graphics haven't aged well, and the storyline feels a bit empty and uninteresting at parts, it's a good deal at it's bargain bin price nowadays. If you're the kind of blood junkie sadist I am deep down, you'll lose your kicks of God of War soon enough, and this is a wonderful adaptation of the Punisher to turn to. Three and a half Kona's for this more-than-decent title.

Survival Log - Entry 1

Day 1:
I seem to have washed ashore on an island somewhere..my memory is a little hazy, but I think I was on a plane last night, but then everything went black... I guess we went down. All I have in my posession is a camera which appears to be functional somehow, my watch, which thankfully
survived, a pen, and this empty diary.. I suppose I shouldn't waste all my time writing right now, though. I've got a lot of work to do... I could be Stranded here forever.





10:32 A.M. - Woke up on a small island. There appears to be a much larger expansive island right across the water from the one I've washed up on; maybe I can venture over there after I establish a camp. No imminent dangers in sight; some kiwibirds, crabs and turtles.. There appeears to be a hemp plant and some stones, along with some various kinds of trees. I've managed to create a makeshift hammer using a stone and a small, sturdy tree branch. I'll attempt to build myself some shelter.

6:48 P.M. - After gathering branches and a large collection of leaves, I've finally made myself a small shelter. It won't do for very long, but it's good enough to sleep under for now.

10:03 P.M. - Didn't manage to get a fire going; ate some raw crab and kiwi bird for tonight, and drank some water squeezed from a few leaves. Tomorrow is a new day.


~~~


Day 2:

8:30 A.M. - Alarm on watch went off, forced myself to get up and focus on the tasks for today even though I was terribly fatigued. Started a campfire; having turtle for breakfast. Afterwards, I venture out to the larger island to explore. I've crafted 10 arrows but still need something to make a string for a bow.

6:52 P.M. - Got back from the large island. MUCH Larger than anticipated, and plenty of hostiles. There were multiple areas inhabited by lions, but I finally found some wool. Tomorrow, I'll make a bow, and go try my hand at hunting some of the lions. Cooked some kiwibird and turtle meat as soon as I got back and ate, and drank my last bit of water. I'll have to create a second camp on the large island near a water source soon. Built a torch on the tip of my encampment now to help find my way back at night. Let's see what tomorrow brings...

Stranded II

Stranded II is a first-person adventure game from developer "Unreal Software" where you take on the role of a castaway who has washed ashore on an uncharted desert isle, with Gilligaaaan... No, but seriously, in Stranded II you find yourself with no tools and washed up on an island where your only neighbors are the local wildlife, which include things you'd expect; crabs, kiwibirds, spiders, parrots, even lions. The game includes a story mode, but it also includes a more open-ended mode in which the only goal is to survive on a randomly generated(or parameter-based) island in the middle of the ocean. I highly reccomend trying this game out; the graphics certainly won't blow your mind, but the gameplay is there and the concept is interesting to say the least. Stranded II is quite the charming game, and you'll certainly waste away more than a few hours on it. If you want to see more of the game, check out my "Survival Log", a Let's Play of Stranded II here on my blog. If you'd like to download it, visit the link below!

http://www.stranded.unrealsoftware.de/

P.S. The game could feel a bit confusing at first; if you can't figure something out, just check out this guide, which shows most if not all of the possible item/building combinations.

http://forums.facepunchstudios.com/showthread.php?t=477238

Lost Planet: First Impressions

I've spent nearly 5 Happy Hour(megaupload lol) nights trying to finish downloading this game. Though at times it seemed the world was out to get me and simply didn't want that to happen; corrupted RARs, delayed downloads, or terrible speed..But with great endurance and persistence all 15 parts last night were finally resting in my downloads directory, waiting to be extracted. It took 3 tries to do something so simple as exract an ISO from it's archives, which was mindblowingly frustrating at 2 A.M., if you can imagine. After the first try informed me I had run out of disk space on my hard drive, I immediately cleaned off about 80GB for good measure, then tried again, only to run into "Drag and Drop operation failed". Almost to the point of busting my LCD monitor to pieces, I tried one more time, extracting it from the file menu instead of via drag and drop...

Eureka!




Even after installing the game, though, I ran into problems. Some small performance issues, which to be honest, I was expecting with my terrible processor. After nudging a few of the graphics settings down, I got the game to run at about a constant 40FPS and still maintain a very enjoyable viewing experience. Right here, I'm shooting the shit out of some flying
bugs in the first mission, like a real American hero.




Anyway, as for some first impressions..literally my first impression of the gameplay was that it'd be better suited for a gamepad with some analog sticks. I didn't feel like setting it up on my PS2 controller, because I'd probably need to recalibrate anyway, but I get the feeling that it'd be more fun on controller. On to a little bit of the story, though. Humanity has ventured away from their homeplanet in order to find another planet suitable for human life, which led to the discovery of what is apparently called EDN III. Imagine an entire planet made out of Alaska, and you've got this new planet. Colonization of the planet was going okay for a while until they ran into the " Akrid ", an alien species of lifeforms that resemble insects. These insect aliens are quite obviously a little bigger than your typical bug, and inside them lies a thermal energy source, which humanity takes quite an interest in; The VS Suits, large mechanical suits resembling the robots from Armored Core, were put to use against the Akrid, and found to be quite successful in combatting them.

So yeah, keep in mind that down the line I'll be adding partial "additions" to this impression, maybe talking about some later gameplay mechanics, cool weapons or awesome American-esque boss fights. Most definitely some more screenshots and maybe even a video or two if I can ever get this cracked version of GameCam working properly. Konata out, bitches.

Am I The Only One?

Am I the only one who likes to flush the toilet before they're done peeing, then try to race it before it finishes flushing to see if you can finish peeing first? Honestly, it's pretty fun, and probably not healthy. It's a real challenge for me, like making games in Sphere. Look at this near-complete project I have open right here.



Props to me though, I made the grass tile myself.(yeah, that shits pretty tight)

hell yeah motherfucker.